couragevanity

i feel so disgusting. 2 months into the trip my boyfriend put me in hopital 500m restraining order in action. hes still in beni. ive been back like 17 days. no job. no money. no real friends. no boyfriend. one eating disorder. lots of loneliness. parents that want me out. one cocaine addiction. possibility that im pregnant. + i cant do this anymore. i spent £340, in two nights on coke. im chain smoking like a bitch. fucking my ex because it stops me feeling alone + invisible for an hour. even though hes using me for sex. i dont care. i've never felt so disgusting, alone. more of a failure, and my mood swings are ridiculous, im huffing when i cant afford drugs so my lungs feel anialated.

what do i do. where do i go. who have i got. and is suicide really my only option, because i cant stop thinking about it. i found on a website that if i find somewhere i can hang my self at a 12 foot drop, because of my b.m.i that would be an instant neck snap. death from 12 feet.

help me. :(

Next thursday im flying out to benidorm . moving. just me my best friend ( WHO IS LIKE 160lbs and DIETING ) & my boyfriend.
No parents.
No Doctors.
No fixed Meals.
Bikinis,

Skinny girls everywhere,
i know i will come back thinner,

I went for 4 days to fid an apartment and came back 8lbs lighter.
and hella happier.

i cant fucking wait.

Maybe i can reach my goals, and be fucking happy, like real happy, not fake happy for once :D

towards the beginning of the week i was feeling really positive and my outlook on life was changing, but things just seem to be spiralling down. Aarons really fucking with my head, he randomly sent me a picture of his dick today.. Because "he was bored" it just proved to me what an arrogant cunt hes turned into. but i worry it was me that made him that way. its kinda funny because all the fucked up situations that i have been in; i can blame myself for every single fucking one, one way or another.

i dont think i've been in love like this before, but its really confusing.
i dont think he loves me back...

in the movies when people fall in love, theres eye contact, sweet things are said, they always hold eachother, the woman always gets compliments, unexpected gifts for no reason, watching eachother whilst they sleep, and never wanting to say goodbye.

i dont get that.

i suppose you could argue lewis is just not that type of guy... or lifes not like the movies...
but it doesn't stop me thinking i love him, so much more then he will ever love me.

i dont want to fuck this up.
he is everything ive ever dreamed of.

why am i such a CUNT.!?




x.x.x

for the first time in a very long time, my dtermination and my belief in myself is on a paradox. since i was little ive looked up to him and everything they ever told me about him made me proud, but when the viloence started i told myself i could understand; that a manic depressive can not control his mood swings. that his suicide attempts were not him esaping me but him escaping his mind. my daddy was and still is the only man ive ever looked up to that could hurt me a million times and could say a million things and i would forgive him without a second thought.

but i am having serious doubts about myself; about wether he is the way he is now because of me, being told that he wished i was never born hurt me so much, more so then the other horrible things hes said. i suppose i have been a cunt. the drug abuse got to him. and picking me up from northampton and sitting in the living room with two paramedics and the look of dissapointment in his eyes i wonder if ive pushed my daddy one step two far away... i suppose its like the arms reach of me saving him, has just doubled... but maybe hes better off without me?

like he said.. "how do you help a daughter who is bent on running herself and everything good in her life into the ground, i used to think she was the one of my two kids who would go places, now i wouldnt be suprised to find her in a red light district, because thats the way shes going."

yeah it hurts when he hits me. but it hurts fuck loads more when i hear him say things like that. and caught in the crux of it all is my mum. i feel sorry for her, and now i finally understand why she left him in the first place... and i kind of think that them getting back together might not have been team work like i thought.

i dont know him anymore. but then i dont know me. who does nowadays. this worlds a pretty fucked up place to live.

fly me to the moon.

im just a shag and an excuse. he uses me as his excuse when he doesnt want to do something for someone or when he wants to go out and doesnt want his mum to think hes on the streets he says hes coming round mine. hes been in my house six times tops. i never see him anymore and what happened the other day made me feel like crap. his idea of making things up to me is fucking me for all of about 3 and a half minutes then fucking off. hes a dick'ed sometimes. so why do i feel the way i do about him? that question is one that no one can answer. not even me. - a rhetorical question i suppose. 8-) 
i decided today walking around with my jeans feeling tight that i need to get control back in my life and the only way i ever managed to do that was with my annorexia. if i need to be a walking skeleton to feel controlling in my life thats what i want to do. i refuse to keeping blocking out annorexias voice in my head. i want it intensely. i want it to the point where i dont need the love of my bestfriends and i dont need a boyfriend. i wanna run in the mornings and come home in shakes like i used to do. i want to wake up in the morning and feel light. feel wafer thin. feel petite. feel fragile. fragile is such a beautiful word but feeling it is more beautiful. the longest i ever went without food was nine days. i know that targets pretty high so starting tomorrow i want to go three days without food. i actually want my jeans to hang off me and my necklaces to swing off my collar bones.two cans of redbull light a day to keep the metabolism high and if i feel the need to have it i will have cuppa soup. apart from that its Water. and Herbal Tea. And LOTS of exercise. im looking forward to developing my addiction back in its physical form. at the moment its just the mental part.. the feeling guilty when i eat... the running around when im out and getting people to walk places so i burn calories. purposely being cold so i burn more calories. staying up late so when i wake up ive missed breakfast and dinner.

other then the boyfriend and food situation.. and best friend </3 my ""family"" has not been Thatttt bad.
Mums been quite nice actually.
anywaysssss...........


xxx  

with my usual lot of mate. roo stressed and went in. ellen had an appointment with the tcv. tub went in. everyone streamed off so i got tom to pick me up. got stoned. got home & major MUNCHED out :(
tomorrow im starting three days of lemon juice.
&& LOTS of exercise.
christmas scares me its a cunt with food.
i feek sick
but i just eat all that rice & bread
purging makes me feel better
i dont want to feel better
im going to do this to punish myself
and not feel beter.

like they told me in recovery; keep it down its the fastest way to develop throat cancer.
i deserve fucking throat cancer.

i dont know who i am, who my friends are, how i look to other people, where my life is going and if im actually going to accomplish anything in my entire life. im so frickin stressed out. its these thoughts that keep me awake until 4am. boys boyys boys. domestic violence fucks with yur head, why did i let him push me around, why do i let him still NOW? but he's the only one that i  feel wants me. Yesterday i was having such a good day, walked to the shop and had a fag on the wayt and i felt so dizzy and light headed it felt amazing, i knew it was because i'd not been eating properly, my days go so well but then its my nights, im 140 lbs of lard again. i look back at my journals of 120 and feel so sick.i want to be thin.  fucking doctors. fucking hospitals. fucking recovery? from what? feeling slightly better about myself?  my new years resolution is to cut out chocolate, last year i cut out meat, chocolate should aid the losage of these hefty pounds on my stomach neck arms and thighs.
anyways back to the walk yesterday; i felt so happy, so optimistic for the first time in such a long time even a lady walking her dog smiled at me, it was like all my worries were gone, but then as soon as i got in the front door everything crashed back down on top of me . and i was just eughhhhhhhhhh. jake snapped my nail off yesterday and my ACTUAL nail came of from underneath it its so sensitive :O.
im still pissed that roo chose aliss over me. i want to learn to drive. so fucking badd. and i want new clothes and new hair. but im not buying myself new clothes until i lose some weight. im going to start exercising every day again i thinksss. my main problem ; i dont have any trainers :/ bad timessssssss.
ahhh wellllllll.
i'll work something out,
i feel optimistic
scale of one to 10 ten being the worst i feel about a 6. which is quite okay i supposse....

until later.. or tomorrowww... goodbye!

xxx